Donna McDonnell, wrote this article for the 2003 Fall New HOPE newsletter. Her daughter, Julia Marie was born still on December 3, 1998.
My son Matthew loves me up to the moon and back. He is my joy, my love, and my best friend. He makes me laugh and smile, and touches my heart like no other. He is my second child. Julia is my first and would have loved me just as much as Matthew. She would have been five in December of this year.
Our pregnancy for Julia was picture perfect. There was no morning sickness, no swollen ankles, no bleeding. We were blissful, innocent, and lucky. We had stars in our eyes and dreams of an entire life together. It all changed when we went into labor and went to the hospital. Julia was full term when we were told she had no heartbeat. It was not comprehendible. Labor was just that, labor. I touched my belly daily to show her love and comfort. When we learned she was not alive, my touches ceased. I was in shock. I was angry and enormously sad. I felt guilty then and even now that I didn’t comfort her in her passing. My mind was not mine at the time. It felt surreal and I desperately wanted to wake up from the bad dream.
We held Julia for a long time once she was born. We were so lucky to have our families with us. They held Julia as well. If not for the medication I was given my thoughts would be clearer. Maybe that’s why I still get angry that those last moments aren’t clearer. One moment I was holding my beautiful daughter and the next I was falling asleep.
Now that close to five years have passed, I wonder what life would be like if she were here. It’s been so long and so much has happened to us. I think of those first few days often and feel blessed that so many friends, family, and strangers reached out to us. In life we can look at bad times and remain negative. I chose to spin the negatives into positives. Julia’s death was a negative in many ways but was also a blessing. Her short life touched so many people. It made people react in ways they never thought possible. Family members came together and were thankful that relationships could be repaired. Others felt grateful for what they had instead of what they didn’t. I learned the true meaning of love from my family and my husband. Their love was unconditional when I felt irrational, angry, and frustrated. My friends were there for me as well. They grieved along with me. They shared their emotion and prayers of hope for a better tomorrow.
All of the connections I made to others, the love and support that I received, and the nine months that I spent with Julia are all things for which I am grateful. Just as a stone thrown into the water creates ripples, so does her memory with our family and friends. Her short life continues to touch us often, if not daily. Matthew’s smile, giggles, the twinkle in his eyes that remind me of my husband Steve, and whenever I see a ripple recreated in the sky, water, or sand makes me think of Julia.
Her ripples make me want to live a richer and fuller life. She brought me to the HOPE Group where the support I received was and still is immeasurable. Sharing stories of life, death, and hope enabled me to wake up every day and not feel alone. Julia’s spirit lives in everything I am and do. She inspired me to help others in the HOPE Group and begin another support group called A Ripple in Time. My wish is to shed light to others so that they can heal and live a richer and fuller life because of the spirit of their child, a child like mine; my dear precious little Julia.